Hello, I'm the Sugar Queen, and I am an addict

no one knows the monumental battles that i fight with food when i'm alone. what a godawful struggle it is and how it drains me mentally and emotionally, how much it consumes of my mental and emotional life -- what i ate, how many calories it was, what i'll eat next and when, how many calories will that be and does that fit within my plan. what i'll buy next and when and where, what i'll cook next, where i'll find a recipe or two or ten, what i weigh and is that more or less than the last time i weighed myself and by how much...


the donuts, candy, chips or cookies that are just snacks, just food to normal people to eat when they want a treat or are a bit hungry are crack-cocaine, meth or heroin to me. i crave them. i obsess about them.

i am obsessing about binge-eating right now. i don't want anything in particular. just food and more food.


no, it's not the food, really that i want.  i want the feeling of that binge-trance that engulfs me during a binge. the rest of the world fades away, and all that exists is the motion of eating--putting it in my mouth, tasting, chewing, swallowing, reaching for more.


that calm, non-feeling trance state where all the anxiety, depression and boredom of my life cannot reach me. gone, all gone, as long as i keep eating and eating, and stay in that "zone."


if this is what it's like to be a drug addict, i so understand why addicts keep chasing the dragon, and why it's so hard to break out of the cycle of addiction.


several years ago, after Carnie Wilson had her gastric bypass, i saw her on 20/20 or one of those news-zines talking about the 150-or so pounds she'd lost and how happy she was to be slim.


then they showed her home, and her enormous cookbook collection. hundreds of cookbooks, stashed all over her house.


and i recognized a kindred spirit. a sister sufferer, and i thought, oh, girl, that does not bode well for your keeping that weight off. the surgical restriction of your stomach may physically constrict the volume of your eating, but the obsession with food, the craving, remains inside you like a cancer.


i have flirted occasionally with the idea of lap-banding or other surgery when feeling depressed and desperate, but i have no major physical health problems - diabetes or heart disease, for example - that would qualify me for it other than the fact that i'm 100 pounds overweight. my health insurer wouldn't pay for it because my life isn't in immediate danger, and i certainly couldn't afford to pay cash.


but i know, deep down, that unless they surgically lap-band or bypass those areas of my mind and soul that crave that binge-trance, the surgery would be only a temporary solution. like the many diets i've gone on, only to regain everything i've lost.


writing (again) about this urge to binge-eat has diminished the urge somewhat. it's lost some of its urgency and driving power.


i've crossed to the other side now, but i still feel vulnerable and fragile. the urge will return. it always does.
until i find ways to sedate that screaming, clattering demon that don't involve thousands of calories of salt, fat and sugar, i will continue to struggle.


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